I wanted to take a break from the Frugal Florida Fun for a bit, and post something that I wrote back in 2004. I didn’t have a website or anything back then, I just wrote this unfortunately true story and sent it via email to my family and friends. It it 100 percent, absolutely true! Keep in mind when you are reading this, it was discovered in March of 2004! Awhile back a friend of mine asked me if I still had it, and thought this gem was all but lost. My sister found it on an old external hard drive she was consolidating! If you’re familiar with the “Ryan’s Chili Mac Story” then you’ll realize it was my literary inspiration. I still can’t stop laughing every time I read it! If you at least got a chuckle or two, please feel free to share this with your friends and family, as I did with mine.
Egg Nog In March 2004:
Ok, so many of you have been told stories about my fridge growing up as a child.. If you haven’t heard about them, in a nutshell we would always have to utilize the buddy system whenever someone wanted a soda. We weren’t afraid of getting lost, so much as we were afraid of getting sucked in, or worse yet bitten by something lurking behind the ketchup bottle. I must say I was quite surprised tonight when I went to go get some milk for my cereal. Just barely getting over the emotional scars of playing, “Guess What That Food Was” or “Who can guess the mystery package!!” I reached in for some two percent dairy goodness. To my shock and horror, I reached in and accidentally grabbed another 1/2 gallon jug. After I damn near dropped the thing, I realized something wasn’t quite right with my proposed cereal saturating liquid.
After quickly realizing that the jug was bloated and bulging, much like a botulism infected can from the grocery store dented bin. I turned the jug around to read the label. As it turns out, this wasn’t milk at all, but a left over jug of Egg Nog from my company Christmas party December 19th, 2003! Once I realized my hopes of having a quick cereal dinner were simply out of the question, I realized I must somehow get rid of this ticking time bomb. The still sealed cap, (thank God!) was about to burst and a gut wrenching smell was surely to escape from its plastic confines in a horrific volcanic eruption! With some quick thinking, I reached under the counter for a fist full of garbage bags.
I began the process by opening a bag and gingerly lifting the turgid jug of funk just enough to slip under my makeshift biohazard containment device. After nearly passing out from holding my breath so long, I tied a knot in the flimsy plastic bag. Now what? Should I place this colony of living mass back in the fridge until garbage day? Should I mail this weapon of mass destruction to Iraq? Should I call Fear Factor and let them know that their 100 year old Egg Nog drink was nothing compared to this stuff and offer to sell them the real thing?
Nope… I decided to wrap another 3 bags around it and place it in a box. After using an entire roll of packaging tape in hopes of sealing the doomed chunk of cardboard, I carefully went to the door to put this package of destruction in my poor pitiful garbage can. My dog must have know something was wrong because he ran like hell when I went to the door. Now this box of ooze and crud is waiting for some poor unsuspecting garbage man to come collect it. I can only hope that some child doesn’t make the mistake of playing with fire within 100 yards. I’m sure when the afternoon Florida sun begins to bake, it will only be a matter of time before someone calls the center for disease control when they hear a loud boom and see a mini mushroom cloud coming from my Rubbermaid garbage can! The one thing I can be absolutely sure of though, is that if my nosey neighbor decides to go through my garbage on Monday, it will certainly be the last time he ever opens the lid of one of my garbage cans!